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i'm so tired.. i can't sleep.. i have another round of blood-tests in the morning.. i don't even know what they're testing for.. probably to check on my diabetes.. this is a new place.. wed. i get to see a female doctor.. at least it's not another man.. -.-; no offense to my male friends.. but most middle aged men---esp docs.. really kreeeeeeeeeeeep me out. they make me very uncomfortable.

i've been very lonely lately. spending alot of time in bed. i have very little energy and even less desire to do much of anything. my friend cari tries to get me to visit.. but i don't feel like dealing with her children.. they're all sick and if i get around them, with my craptastic immune system, i'm going to get it too.

theo's been really busy; he's working a lot (which is great) i got to see him about a week ago for the weekend of the forest festival here in town. we had a really good time. we've been arguing just a little lately; nothing major.. it's mostly just me being an ass. i don't know what's up with me lately.. i'm cranky all the time and very moody again. prozac doesn't help.

i miss having someone live with me. even in like a non-romantic way. when i stayed with chris and adam, there was someone there in the mornings. granted i would have been even happier to have woken up in bed with someone (just a friend you perv), but i didn't want to be in the middle of THOSE two.. they were really loud. >>; it's nice to have someone around that you get along with.

right now it's just Poshi and me. Poshi's becoming a lil asshat :D he's taken up only growling at certain people now though. he seems to be able to tell when someone disabled is around (there's like housing for mentally handicapped people near me) and he's really gentle with them. i thought about maybe trying to get him into some sort of therapy program--but he's so nervous. he's never bit anyone, but his lil paws hurt when he tries to run.  he's a cutie tho'. he loves to watch scary movies and anime. lol or video games. he'll sit in my lap and watch the screen while i play. he's one cool chihuahua. he doesn't yap too much either. though he still barks at matty all the time (matty stole his cover.. long story, but Poshi really holds grudges).

i know i should really be trying to sleep. i'm fasting tonight and for some reason my stomach is like "FEED ME".. i have to for the tests tomorrow.. i hope my mom will come in and hold my hand.. i still get scared.. even though i've been poked so many times by now by needles for blood and for testing my sugar.. it still makes me cry sometimes. i'm terrified of getting sent to the hospital again like lastt time they did tests on me. it was only overnight but the nurses left bruises on my arms that lasted for weeks.. they really didn't know how to put an iv in. i'm afraid i'm going to end up there again though -shudder-....

i saw my dad for the first time.. for like the first time in forever. i'd seen him 2 summers ago, for like 10 minutes.. but this time i spent a hole afternoon with him.. it's been over 8 or 9 years.. i think.

he scared me. he's off his god damn rocker. like mentally... he's sucha  shell of the person he once was. i cried so hard the day before (i had to see him first to let him know i was going to visit). it was the same day my mom made me cry in the car for an hour while theo held me by telling me what giving birth was *really* like.. so i'd had an uppsetting weekend anyway (excuse mytyopos it's 2 am).. so like.. he's lost so much weight.. and most of his skin has gotten really ashey.. he looks so old.. but he seemed happy.. it'd been so long.. his voice.. was no longer loud and confident.. he was just this sick old man who had bad memories of what a shit head he'd been to his children all his life.. i didn't do anything to disturb it.. i didn't want to spoil what i coudl take from it.. i want to see him again..

he even asked to come to my graduation, if someone would pick him up. he doesn't drive anymore because he had an accident. it made me happy and sad.. i think i cried that night too.. i've been doing a lot of crying lately. XD

my life is going down a different path than i thought. i am proud of myself though. i'm raelly trying my hardest.. and i'm pulling otu decent grades as well this semester.. which is surprizing considering i miss at least 1-3 days out of every week.. but really.. i'd love to just be around some old friends.. and laugh.. and not feel the pain in my body for a while.. to wake up and have some energy and go out and have a drink or go dancing or.. just even take a walk with poshi that was more than a block or two (i have to nap after that...)..... i'll get better. i know i will. ^ ^ everything will be fine and i need to suck it up.. i know.... sometimes though.. it just hurts alot. and i want to let go.



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