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wow i've not been on here in ages! i am so totally still kicking!

i have a new journal i use!

lilaclavenderblue.blogspot.com

twitter is :
twitter.com/firechan

:p

sleepless

i'm so tired.. i can't sleep.. i have another round of blood-tests in the morning.. i don't even know what they're testing for.. probably to check on my diabetes.. this is a new place.. wed. i get to see a female doctor.. at least it's not another man.. -.-; no offense to my male friends.. but most middle aged men---esp docs.. really kreeeeeeeeeeeep me out. they make me very uncomfortable.

i've been very lonely lately. spending alot of time in bed. i have very little energy and even less desire to do much of anything. my friend cari tries to get me to visit.. but i don't feel like dealing with her children.. they're all sick and if i get around them, with my craptastic immune system, i'm going to get it too.

theo's been really busy; he's working a lot (which is great) i got to see him about a week ago for the weekend of the forest festival here in town. we had a really good time. we've been arguing just a little lately; nothing major.. it's mostly just me being an ass. i don't know what's up with me lately.. i'm cranky all the time and very moody again. prozac doesn't help.

i miss having someone live with me. even in like a non-romantic way. when i stayed with chris and adam, there was someone there in the mornings. granted i would have been even happier to have woken up in bed with someone (just a friend you perv), but i didn't want to be in the middle of THOSE two.. they were really loud. >>; it's nice to have someone around that you get along with.

right now it's just Poshi and me. Poshi's becoming a lil asshat :D he's taken up only growling at certain people now though. he seems to be able to tell when someone disabled is around (there's like housing for mentally handicapped people near me) and he's really gentle with them. i thought about maybe trying to get him into some sort of therapy program--but he's so nervous. he's never bit anyone, but his lil paws hurt when he tries to run.  he's a cutie tho'. he loves to watch scary movies and anime. lol or video games. he'll sit in my lap and watch the screen while i play. he's one cool chihuahua. he doesn't yap too much either. though he still barks at matty all the time (matty stole his cover.. long story, but Poshi really holds grudges).

i know i should really be trying to sleep. i'm fasting tonight and for some reason my stomach is like "FEED ME".. i have to for the tests tomorrow.. i hope my mom will come in and hold my hand.. i still get scared.. even though i've been poked so many times by now by needles for blood and for testing my sugar.. it still makes me cry sometimes. i'm terrified of getting sent to the hospital again like lastt time they did tests on me. it was only overnight but the nurses left bruises on my arms that lasted for weeks.. they really didn't know how to put an iv in. i'm afraid i'm going to end up there again though -shudder-....

i saw my dad for the first time.. for like the first time in forever. i'd seen him 2 summers ago, for like 10 minutes.. but this time i spent a hole afternoon with him.. it's been over 8 or 9 years.. i think.

he scared me. he's off his god damn rocker. like mentally... he's sucha  shell of the person he once was. i cried so hard the day before (i had to see him first to let him know i was going to visit). it was the same day my mom made me cry in the car for an hour while theo held me by telling me what giving birth was *really* like.. so i'd had an uppsetting weekend anyway (excuse mytyopos it's 2 am).. so like.. he's lost so much weight.. and most of his skin has gotten really ashey.. he looks so old.. but he seemed happy.. it'd been so long.. his voice.. was no longer loud and confident.. he was just this sick old man who had bad memories of what a shit head he'd been to his children all his life.. i didn't do anything to disturb it.. i didn't want to spoil what i coudl take from it.. i want to see him again..

he even asked to come to my graduation, if someone would pick him up. he doesn't drive anymore because he had an accident. it made me happy and sad.. i think i cried that night too.. i've been doing a lot of crying lately. XD

my life is going down a different path than i thought. i am proud of myself though. i'm raelly trying my hardest.. and i'm pulling otu decent grades as well this semester.. which is surprizing considering i miss at least 1-3 days out of every week.. but really.. i'd love to just be around some old friends.. and laugh.. and not feel the pain in my body for a while.. to wake up and have some energy and go out and have a drink or go dancing or.. just even take a walk with poshi that was more than a block or two (i have to nap after that...)..... i'll get better. i know i will. ^ ^ everything will be fine and i need to suck it up.. i know.... sometimes though.. it just hurts alot. and i want to let go.

so.. news?

The semester is going fairly well... I've managed to keep up with all 5 english class' assignments. Which is more difficult and still somehow less than I expected. None of it interests me overmuch. I find myself unchallenged and overlooked more often than not. Sadly, most of my classmates come off as complete idiots to me... which makes me feel very guilty for even thinking that way.

Midterms are the week after next and I have all of next week off to write a paper on Frankenstein from a marxist view.. that'll be interesting. My mother and I haven't been fighting nearly as often as we used to..

but anyhow, the "news" is that I'm engaged. Theo asked me on the 16th and I said yes. It was sweet and simple and private... he tried to surprize me but he didn't. I kinda knew or at least expected it because I pestered him to no end over what he was getting me and what this "surprize" was.. but the effort was really really sweet. The band is unusual looking and tasteful. It's not the one we'd talked about but I think I like this one more anyway.

I'm sad tho', because we've reached this kind of point and... it's still over another year before we can move in together. I can't visit him on my break; I won't see him again til the end of the semester (if then :/) and I cannot go to visit him til mid-june. It's a little sad, but I feel it's worth it. I've never had someone who was so devoted to my happiness before and who really finds no fault in me. He makes me laugh and cheers me up and we have a great friendship that the relationship was founded on. I hope.. I hope nothing ever disturbs any of that. We've already had a few ups and downs, but we're doing really well so far.. and I want it to just get better. I never expected to really be in.. this sort of situation. I sort of swore off dating for a long time after Alex and I dated... but I'm happy, and I deserve that happiness and I just wish that... It wasn't so hard to enjoy it. But.. I am happy :P still.. i was bummed cuze no one was really excited for us around here. I called chibi the night of and she was all happy which was nice ^^. Everyone else was like, "oh, okay." -falls on face-

Ja?

=.=;

-siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh-

Here goes another moody post from me. WHY? because I'm moody. Nothing seems to sate that feeling lately. I'm not satisfied with anything, though I can happily saying I'm writing more than I have in years. Creative Writing class should becalled "lets learn how to write nifflie nose up in air poetry class" tho'. It's all about stylizing your poem and learning to give it "true meaning" -snorts-

i don't know what's making me moody. It might have been the doctor's visit where i lied through my teeth about taking the meds i'm supposed to take. He gave me stuff for the spasms in mys tomach from ibs but that's it. He also told me to take metamusal to stop the other more.. unlikable aspect of it besides the pain. -snorts agian!- I've not done either because metamusal caused me to end up in the hospital last semester from getting dehydrated. taking my time with things and destressing my life works much better.. and leaving acidic and fat-drenched fried foods out of my diet. I'm down from 4-5 days a week of being sick to around 2-3 depending on how stressed i get.. and usually much less severe than before. I tend to believe in holistic medicine. I've only taken the spasm pills 2 or three times +_+; maybe 4? he said the fact that it makes me "extremely disoriented" was no reason not to take it. O_O? WTF? So sure, let me go up and down flights of stairs all day so dizzy i don't know up from down, it's okay if i break my damned neck and die! (i've come close to taking a tumble a couple of times normally just from my diabetes. I'm not adding vertigo and confusion adding meds on top of that).

i want to see theo and i'm pissy because he's busy trying to get work done before he's comming into visit so he can spend more time with me. yeah that doesn't make sense to me either but i still feel that way

i am also still loosing like a pound every 3-4 weeks? which isn't too bad considering most people gained weight during thanksgiving and christmas.. i managed to loose another lb. I'm proud. lol. sort of. I saw pitures of me that theo took while i was there. YES i have a nice smile, and a pretty face and i'm a great pillow and i'm sexy. BUT I DONT LIKE MY WEIGHT. so stfu. It's not OKAY it's a serious health hazard to me. =.=;  BUT telling me i have to eat every hour but also diet to the point of eating rabbit food doesn't make this easy okay? In fact it makes it a lot harder to balance my diet because i'm supposed to be eating more than i do but my diabetes meds make me loose my diet but i get dizzy and sick if i don't eat and therefor my grades go down and what not.

It's an endless cycle of stress which then kicks in my IBS and then that pisses me off because it makes me feel like shit (literally and figurativly) and i've got 16 hours of english classes ONLY and my boyfriend's in another country and soon i'm going to need a passport to visit him and i can't afford one barely afford living expenses each month and only because i get food stamps and fucking housing assitance. my family drives me nuts, i'm also trying to decide what kind of fucking faith i want to follow and have a very nice old lady jehova's witness (which i grew up with) tellin gme she's trying to save my soul without saying that directly which pushes me more and i feel like i don't ever get a break when all i really want is: a small apartment with theo, an internet connection and my laptop, my cat and another kitten maybe.. a lil dog (chihuahua) named Pom Pom the Destroyer and my plant: Bob2. =.= and free time so i can write what I WANT to write instead of assignments about how freud would look at frankenstein as a work that's all about phallic envy and wanting to sleep with your mum =.=

fuck.
there really isn't any fun to waking up and crying, like i did this morning. i know that other people have to go through the same things.. but god this whole distance is killing me. between my family and the craziness that ensues from having my big brother move in with my mother.. god i'd give anything to not have to deal with him right now. I love my brother, but he will deliberatly be an asshole.

I just feel like what I'm doing right now isn't the way that I want to go in my life.. like i'm currently (beyond the student loans i owe) 1.3K in debt to the school. o_O I'm not quite sure HOW but I am. They said that there would be money to cover that at the student financial office in december before I left to visit theo.. now it still says the same exact amount. My work study (even if i worked it all >>;) would only be 750$. -sigh- that still leaves around 500$ to pay off.

Mind you, my last job lasted one weekend and wore me out so much that i was in constant pain.. that and when my sugar is low i will write 2+2=16. If I get stressed out my ibs kicks in.. so yeah. -sigh- i don't know what the hell to do about all of it.

I physically feel better when we're together.. because I don't get as stressed out.. as wound up. I laugh so much more... I talk more and I'm more creative. I mean he's a complete dork but I love him. I don't know what to do anymore.. I'm so close to my degree.. but if I can't pay them off I can't graduate anyway next year.. so what the hell am I supposed to do?

Fair winds blow..?

Not much going on now that I'm back home. I've been playing WoW some and switched to a new server on RO.. Miss nexus sometimes but I *really* don't have the spare time that game requires.. RO and WoW are suitable for causual players as long as you aren't determined to be the richest/best armored/etc asshat. Which I'm not.

This break was the first time theo and I've *really* had a chance to be together since he left. It was an 8 week stay and it was very enjoyable despite most of the time he was at work/school/in transit.. It was sad too because I cried some.. still deeply hurt over what happened with his ex.. and when he saw how deeply it still hurt, he didn't give me a negative reaction or say I needed to get over it.. but that he knew it would take time and how truly sorry he was. He said other things, all the right things.. and that made a world of difference because I could tell he meant it. That and the boy can't lie for shit o_O;.

So now it's even harder to be apart.. one more year minimum.. we're hoping it goes THAT smoothely. I'm thinking about going on to graduate school if I can.. which if I'm going to do I need to start working on it NOW. I think I'm going to go to morgantown.. and to WVU. It's a *huge* school for wv. but I figure their graduate department has to be smaller. I'm going into fiction/childrens literature.. if they still have that as an option. I figure I'd most enjoy writing fantasy and childrens works.. because there are so few really inspiring books for children other than the popular harry potter ones that have been put out lately. The ones I remember as a child are hard to find and it's sad that it's not as much of an art as it used to be.  Also .. I think alot of them are filled with "fluff" young adult fiction is just that: young adult. It really doesn't have to be exclusivly about fashion and clothes and boo boo my boyfriend dumped me. I think that stronger issues should be put in it.. which some authors do, just not enough in my opinion. Maybe I"ll get to do that someday.. we'll see?

My health is doing okay. I seem to still be loosing weight at a steady pace. I managed to do my DDR twice this week.. going for 3 times next week even with all my classes. Spending less time with theo is not good for my emotional well being, but I will handle it like I do everything else :P. The 3 month course of birthcontrol is absolute heaven. NO breakthrough bleeding at ALL so far (thankfully! *knock on wood*). And the worst side effects seem to simply be dizziness and a few cramps. Nothing major at all. I'm actually LESS moody on this stuff than I was on the other type. So I am quite content with that.

Wal-mart's 4$ perscription drugs is also a nice thing. I can get my metformin for that price which is like over 25$ less than what I was paying. For me that's a LOT. I get by on around 100$ a month. O_o; don't ask me how. I have noi idea.

My apartment is too small, but it's really nice and I keep it fairly neat and clean. Better than some college dorm rooms.. well most dorm rooms XD and I NEVER want to stay with 5 college boys again for longer than a week. The amount of mold in that house was enough to make you gag alone...... ;-; dirty boys.

anyhow. I'm off to get grocieries then sit back and play some games and exercise a bit. *hearts*
you know you've found a 'keeper' when you wake up with hair that is in precicely three conicial sections pointing up and to either side.. and the person you wake up next to doesn't even bat an eye but snuggles right back into you.  

so yeah.. stfu

I am one tired girlie. Man.. 8 hour trips (just the driving part and not all of the stops) really seem to take it out of me. And wtf is up with this new birthcontrol making me bleed like a god damned stuck pig? I hate this >_<

I'm in Oshowa, Ontario, Canada. Yuppers, that's right.

Life's been hectic but I came out with a 3.44 so that's not bad for the semester.

Theo and I are still doing fairly well.

I found out one of my really cute male friends is Bi and a Sub, now if only I can find a female one; he also lives in Toronto.

I got invited to a "Lets have dinner if there is no fatal accident in the kitchen" party at the aforesaid friend's house with a bunch of cute asian girls on saturday.

Overall.. I'm very very tired, and hope that the holidays greet everyone well.

blarg.

<3

-yaaaaaaaaawn-

Oi. It's too early for anyone to have to be awake. x.X

I was up late last night.. reading some old romance novel that's made it's way into my house. I'm not sure how. It's also a mystery.. not a good one but it was something to read. I finished the book I bought at the mall. I read too fast. I'm exhausted now though. ^ ^

Theo's comming in tonight. I can't wait. I'll be home by noon today so I should be able to get most of my homework done before he gets here.. and some of my reading ahead for next week as well. Mom and I are going out later on tonight to watch a band at one of the local bars called The new relics. I really like the group. I've seen them two or three other times. They're young and fresh and not pretentious. They're local too. I really like their attitude. Sarah knows the drummer which is funny.

I think I need another cig and something to drink.

Still.. this should be a really good weekend.

meh

So like yeah. :P I decided to update again. I always go through these cycles of reculsism. However you spell that. Things have been really "rollercoaster"-ish lately.

THE PLAN
1) I was going to move and switch back to fine art/ graphic desgin as my split major
2) theo was going to move with me
3) the cat would come with us

.........

the plan failed... however, I handled it quite gracefully and without a tear while sitting in his parents' basement (they kept me chained up so no one could see me you know, asians don't date white girls :P j/k) as they told me that they thought he should stay up there. they feel we've gotten too close too fast and the separation will do us good since that's the way THEY did it beause his father did a lot of work away from home for 2-3 months at a time (he still does). Theo didn't have the courage to tell me himself at the time, so I had to take it from his parents which was less than pleasing honestly. But he's still growing up and I know how hard things can be.

It's funny that I ended up with another "until the end of summer" deadline. =.= my how life goes full circle. I still get confused and scared about the whole "i'm dating a guy thing"... really. It's very strange and unsettling. I don't care for it sometimes.. it's more challenging than I thought.. and then I remember.. it's not just some guy. it's theo and i smile a little and relax.

Today I have to go to the doctor again. It turns out I'm diabetic.. and possibly a few other things. I still have to get anally raided by some other doctor later this month >> ew. They've got me on a diet where I'm not supposed to eat : breads, starches (pasta, potatoes, rice, etc.) or anything sweet or any sort of dairy product since it makes me sick. However, I'm supposed to eat 5 meals a day (small) and make sure to include all the food groups esp grains and dairy as those are good for me. o_O WTF?

I'm also going to finally take my driving test this evening.. we'll see how that goes. I managed to parallell park 4 times in a row, the last 2 without any help from my mom or theo. and of course, no one's died yet while i've been driving. In fact there's not a scratch on the car :D.. and if i fail. oh well my liscence expires soon (today i think) so I have to take the learner's test again anyhow :P

I figure things will be fine with theo and i.. though i'm not as optomistic as I should be. maybe it's because i'm wanting a cig? I've been weaning myself off of those lately. Down to about 2-3 per day.. and nearly a week between packs. I figure i deserve some indulgence considering half the time I'm stuck in bed.

I'm hoping that I"ll get back on campus in the fall if it turns out there's nothing too majorly wrong with me after this round of poking and prodding by the doctors. Though I have some dentists after my wisdom teeth too ;; owwie.

all in all things have been fairly good.. just really difficult and trying. -sigh- Til next time... I miss you guys..

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xfirechanx
xfirechanx

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